LIVE FEED // SECURE SECTOR: LAS VEGAS, NV
CLOCK SYNCING… CLEARANCE: BIRTHDAY/41
INCOMING ▸ SUBJECT BIRTHDAY 05.24 // AGE 41 CONFIRMED ★ WARNING ▸ HEADSHOT ACCURACY BELOW ACCEPTABLE THRESHOLD ★ INTEL ▸ ASSET CHOCO LAST EXTRACTED FROM GOLD STRIKE ★ ALERT ▸ OPERATOR IS TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT BUT STILL QUEUEING ★ RECOMMENDED ▸ SEND BIRTHDAY MESSAGE, IMMEDIATELY QUESTION HIS LAST PLAY ★
TARGET ACQUIRED // BIRTHDAY DESTROYED

OPERATOR
CHOCO.

CODENAME: AG  ·  AGE: 0 (CONFIRMED ANCIENT)
STATUS: STILL CAN'T CLUTCH A 1V1

INTEL REPORT // FILE 05.24.26

  • SUBJECTAnthony "Choco" Gates
  • DOBclassified, but it was a while ago
  • AGE41 (geriatric, by FPS standards)
  • LAST OBSERVEDgetting domed in spawn
  • PRIMARY THREATfriendly fire
  • SECONDARY THREATcomplaining about lag
  • HEADSHOT ACCURACY0.001% (rounded up)
  • K/D RATIO"depends what server"
  • EMOTIONAL DAMAGEsubstantial

LOADOUT // CONFIRMED WEAPONS

COUNTER-STRIKE
YEARS PLAYED: TOO MANY
Still buys awp every round. Still misses.
BATTLEFIELD 4
RELEASED: 2013
Operator's playstyle has not been patched since launch.
BATTLEFIELD 6
CURRENT OPS
Spends 80% of match in the menu. 20% dying.
ARC RAIDERS
EXTRACTION RATE: ☠️
Extraction failed: subject is too old to run.

MISSION LOG // OP: GOLDEN RHINO

DECLASSIFIED FOR BIRTHDAY PURPOSES // ONE NIGHT IN LAS VEGAS

  • 0000Asset CHOCO extracts target from Gold Strike. Vehicle inbound.
  • 0100Refreshments acquired. Combat readiness: compromised, in a good way.
  • 0200Target deploys bankroll of [REDACTED] THOUSAND. Hundreds distributed to local contacts.
  • 0230Three (3) hostile operatives simultaneously on target. Surrounded.
  • 0300Target retreats to back room. Phone reported MIA. Status: STOLEN.
  • 0400Near-ejection event. Extraction successful (barely).
  • RESULTBEST FIRST TIME IN THE FIELD. ASSET CHOCO RATED 10/10 WINGMAN.

MISSION BRIEFING // FOR OPERATOR EYES ONLY

Subject has reached his 41st rotation around the sun. By all known doctrine, this is the age at which an FPS operator should retire to a quiet life of Sudoku and Medicare commercials.

Yet intel confirms target was last seen queueing for ranked at 2 AM, mic hot, talking unspeakable amounts of shit to a man who has done nothing to him.

Recommended action: SEND BIRTHDAY MESSAGE. Then immediately question his last play.

CLASSIFIED // FRIENDS ONLY
…but seriously,
A FRAME NOBODY ELSE WOULD'VE SEEN

Forty-one years.
Only a couple of them spent putting up with me.

We haven't known each other forever — but in a couple of years you've shown up more than some people do in twenty. Late-night queues, the Vegas trip, the dumb stuff and the real stuff. None of it was nothing.

The shit-talking is easy. Showing up is the hard part. You do both.

Happy 41st, Choco. Here's to a lot more nights of you yelling at me through a headset, and to whatever the next trip out there looks like. Aim better.

— Jake YOUR ONLY FRIEND WHO WOULD BUILD YOU A WEBSITE TO ROAST YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
FRAME 41 / ∞